Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
