the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There's always time for handjobs
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
