she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
