im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Randomize
