Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
