Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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