So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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