You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
