Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
