Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
