There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
