JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
