I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
