When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
