Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
