drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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