May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
