Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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