the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
