I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
