Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
