Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
