Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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