Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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