True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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