I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
