We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
not ubering you a puppy
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
