we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
