You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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