you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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