Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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