She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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