Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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