There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
