you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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