I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
