life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
