I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
