He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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