i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
