Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
