last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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