can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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