1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
