i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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