Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
