Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
