Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
