Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
