if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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